Is it...

Well it's been a crazy 2 to 3 months...I have reconnected with someone that I thought I would only bump into maybe once or that what we had was gone. This time around I'm not going to let what is currently going on slip away. I got to spend time with him this past weekend. It was pretty much a good time...we talked about things in the past & stuff going on in the present. The future wasn't brought up since you never know what that might entitle...we enjoy each others company. All I can do is wait & see what each day brings...just sucks I'm still in the D & he's in the H...where hopefully I'll be able to relocate soon with a job offer! I'll keep what's going on between us updated as time pass. But til then all I can do is live for the time being!

Kaleb is embarking on 9 mths now...it's crazy how fast time is passing by! This lil' one will be one before you know it. He's climbing on everything, standing against the wall, table, ottoman, or me...lol! My lil' man is starting to become more independent, where he's content to playing with his toys on the floor, crawling from room to room. So imagine when he's able to walk this is going to be a mess! LOL! But he's a mama's boy now...not because I spoil him but because he feels the love from me the most. There's nothing like a parents' love to their child!

"Faith is confidence & assurance about the things we hope for according to the promises of God"- Joel Osteen

What the Lord is doing...

Being emerged in holy water is symbolic to when John baptized Jesus. Regardless what denomination you are, as long as you believe in the Holy Trinity, I think you should be baptized at one point in your life. It's a blessing to know you have a God that loves you so much, that he gives us chance after chance! He is a forgiving God & this is why I choose not to hold grudges...I just choose to forgive & let that person go.

Kaleb did not cry, I think he thought he was getting a bath! LOL! He did good & he had a lot of people to witness this special occasion. I appreciate everyone that had came out...it was mainly family with a few close friends.

Even though we're connected through Kaleb, we're all family. Their genes make up 50% of him & in my opinion he is a Johnson even though he doesn't have their last name. We all came together as a family to honor Kaleb Matthew Johnson Ware. Maybe one day there will be a picture where there is an added body but til then all I can do is have faith that he will come around soon.

"Imitate those who through faith & patience inherit the promises"-Hebrews 6:12

It has been awhile...blast from the past!

I'm back & I know it has been a long time but it has been a rollercoaster for the past 2 mths! I have had someone come back in my life from my past. I've known him since 1997...that's a long time to know someone...for 12 years & dated for 1 year. We've always seemed to run into each other every now & then. He has always been there when I needed him to be. Which is nice...never has done me wrong of any sort. But I'm going to take a step out on faith. So we'll see where this goes...hopefully somewhere positive. Not trying to get all serious just yet but I would like it to go somewhat further than we have in the past but only God knows though.

I'm excited for the fact Kaleb is being baptized this weekend. His paternal grandparents are making their way to Houston & my family will be there of course. I wish his father would be there too, but due to his choices, he's deciding not to partake in this event. But I'm grateful for everyone that will be there to honor my son.

“Do more than is required. What is the distance between someone who achieves their goals consistently and those who spend their lives and careers merely following? The extra mile.”-Gary Ryan Blair

Lessons in life...

I realize people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have had some betrayals in the past year...some people got left in the drama. I choose not to be around the one of the ones who betrayed me but I have to be around the other since he is my son's father. I do keep quite around the ones that have talked their mess instead of being supportive around the time of my break down in life. I say choose your friends wisely...don't air out all your business...they will use it against you in the end! I trust God will bring everything to light & to justice. He has never forsaken me...He has brought me to it & will bring me through it!

BJ might not have been "the one" for me but we share a child together; whether he cares to have a heart or not, that's on him. I have let my anger go but my ego & heart are still hurt. I love him with all his flaws & all...just not in love with him but I know we will never be & I have accepted that & have moved on. I will continue to pray about our situation & that God takes ahold of BJ, since I know there is a stronghold that the devil has on him. I wish him the very best in life but in order to receive blessings he has to make things right in his life. I always said that in order to know it's love you will bring someone in your world & to let them know your flaws & all regardless of what it is & if they can't accept that then it really wasn't love & wasn't meant to be. I hope he realizes this sooner rather than later! But I can't help or lend advice to someone that doesn't want to be helped or accept responsibilities in life.

“Everytime I’ve done something that doesn’t feel right. It ended up not being right”- Mario Cuomo

What I derserve....

I'm listening to Alanis' song You Learn...if you listen to the lyrics, it's speaking the truth. You live you learn, you love you learn, you cry you learn, you bleed you learn, you scream you learn.

I've been thinking about the title of my blog...I'm realizing the adversities I've been through in the past year, are what is going to make me stronger as a woman, as a person & as a mother. I KNOW that I deserve better than what I've been given in the past as a lover. I know I have to be patient, it's hard but I know I have to do it.

I like someone that knows a lot about me & the things I've been going through. But last night I decided to pull away from him. It's nothing he did...he has been understanding for the most part, since his situation isn't as bad as mine but we're almost in the same boat. But it's more of I'm not letting my heart heal & all the hurt/pain fall by the waist side. So I'm going to take time out & live my life, & let myself heal. I will keep things with him as platonic as I can. But whatever happens happens.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, and how you can still come out of it.”-Maya Angelou

On Eagle's Wing...

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings. Bear you on the breath of dawn. Make you to shine like the sun. And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

I was sitting in church on Sunday just taken in these lyrics to this song, On Eagle's Wings. To know that I serve an awesome God is such a breathe taken experience. I think about the past year & everything that I have been through...I know that my God would NOT put me more than I can bare. He has been at my side even when I didn't think anyone was there. I always believe there's a reason for everything that happens in life.

Kaleb is growing everyday, which is crazy to know he will be 4 months next week! :) He gets to spend his first weekend with his grandparents (paternal). I'm blessed to know that I have their support when it comes to Kaleb. He is a healthy, happy & growing baby! I have no one to thank but God!

My Love for Life....

Two weekends was Valentine's & I enjoyed spending my son's first valentine's with him. Even though he doesn't know it yet, he was surrounded by a lot of people that love him & even by the ones that were far, he was still surrounded with love.

I guess til the day that I die, Kaleb will truly be my first love, well after God...I gave him the nickname my love. He has captured my heart from the moment I saw him with his eyes wide open! LOL! I never knew the love I have inside of me as a mother. It is something that I don't think I expected. It's crazy though...but I have accepted what life has given me.

I always said there's different levels of love & I see this type of love, I didn't put on that scale. The love I have for Kaleb's dad, whether he realizes it or not...is just that love, I'm not in love with him but I care about his well being & I guess that will never stop since he makes up the other half of our son.

1 Corinthians 13
"1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing. 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Life...

I'm in this world, not knowing my purpose & just watching it pass by. What I learned yesterday, that one of my friends (that I have known since middle/jr. high school); mom passed away. Granted I haven't seen her since we first started off in college...I will miss her dearly. I'm sad that she has gone to her final resting place but I know that she will be better off there than here. I know we should be happy & celebrating her life instead of mourning the lost of her physical body on earth. But I do pray for Byron, Hawley & the rest of their family. I know they will miss her more than anything. So if you know who I'm talking about, please pray for this family. Thanks!

25 Random Things About Lboog

1. My middle name is Shantel
2. My son has an older cousin name Caleb...so there's a big Caleb & lil' Kaleb.
3. I moved to DFW area to pursue my career.
4. Even though my brother & I are 5 years apart, we're still close.
5. I will NOT date anyone from Louisiana, sorry I have family from both the north & the south parts of the Boot!
6. My favorite cartoon character is tweetie...no one would have guessed it.
7. Kaleb's dad & I have the same tatts...I got mine a year before him though...
8. I'm a neat freak!
9. I love Prince's music.
10. Nature is my peace!
11. I learned a lot about myself & friends in 2008
12. I'm a Christian before anything regardless what's going on in my life.
13. Even though I've had my heart broken last year, I'm not the typical scorn female...I will actually give other guys a chance.
14. Trying to avoid a particular guy...
15. Just been dating, not looking for anything too serious...still need to let my heart heal.
16. I love getting pedis!
17. I love old school & R & B music
18. Don't mess with my food! Especially seafood! LOL!
19. I don't wear make up!
20. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeves.
21. If you don't know, I'm very sarcastic!
22. Even though I've been through a lot, I still wouldn't trade or change my life for anything.
23. My favorite movies are Coming to America & Dirty Dancing.
24. I get my eyebrows threaded versus waxed!
25. I cherish my faith, son & family...

BONUS!!!

'Til this past year, I fully understand the saying I love you so much I hate you...I don't actually hate him...just don't like the situation we're in, that's all!

I thought I knew who my friends were but this past year put that in perspective.

I thought I knew myself til I went through all the trials & adversities which has made me a stronger woman & person...I know what I will & won't tolerate.

Got a F it attitude most of the time now.

Putting my son & me first...damn a guy...he comes 3rd...well actually 4th since God should be number 1! LOL!

Expect the Unexpected

I've been a mother for approx. 11 weeks...it's been a wonderful experience in my life. I truly believe it's one of the best gifts God can give us. It is a struggle to be able to be the mother & the father in my case. My son's father, at this point not taking apart of his life, but I do have the support of the grandparents from that side. Which I will always be grateful for their love & support of their grandson. Even though he's not in his son's life, I'm not bitter, angry or mad...I'm just disappointed...known him for 6 years now, never thought he would do me like he has. But it's all good, I know God has Kaleb & me. By God's grace/will...he will decide to partake in his son's life. Still praying about that though.

All in all, I can't complain though! I remember putting on my letterman jacket in high school, expect the unexpected. I guess that's the summary of my life...lol!

Well once I'm at home, I'll more than likely spruce up my blog even more. Well til next time...

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